Friday, March 8, 2013

The Sequester is All My Fault

This column originally appeared in The Sun Chronicle on Friday, March 8, 2013


By Bill Gouveia

I have had enough of this “Sequester” stuff. It has to stop. This madness cannot continue. So I am going to end it right now in the only way it can possibly stop.

I am taking the blame. The Sequester is my fault.

That’s right, I did it. I wrote the law, I pushed for it, I personally enacted it, and I lobbied for it in Congress. I forged the President’s signature on the actual bill. I take full responsibility. You now all know exactly who to blame. Bury me under a mountain of abuse, release your frustrations, and attack my character, reputation and abilities. I am guilty.

I kidnapped executives at both Fox News and MSNBC and forced them to spew angry rhetoric designed to do nothing but inflame their respective political bases. I faked a phone call to Bob Woodward and got him mad at the President. I made Speaker Boehner cry.

So please – for the love of all that is good in this world – move on now from politicizing this critical issue and start actually solving it.

President Obama is officially off the hook. So is Speaker Boehner, Senate Leader Reid, all cabinet officials, every member of Congress and the head valet at the White House. You are all hereby officially absolved. You shoulder no blame. Now get to work.

Everyone in Washington agrees the Sequester cuts as they currently exist are stupid. The amount of money is workable, but not the actual plan. Heck, when I personally devised this plot I did it because I thought no one would ever allow this to happen. But then it did, and now I need all you heroes in Washington to clean up my mess and return us to some form of sanity.

Nothing has happened as of yet on this crucial matter because the blame always got in the way. After all, what good does it do the President and the Democrats if we reduce our spending in a big way but the Republicans get the credit? And how humiliating would it be for congressional leaders on the right if this “Socialist” president somehow managed to address spending?

I get it – it doesn’t do either side any good unless they can get credit for it. And that means the other side has to get the blame. In Washington, the easiest way to make yourself look better is to make your opponents look worse. It’s not what you accomplished that counts, but rather how you voted. How can you win your primary back home unless you totally toed the party line?

That’s why I’m willing to take the political hit here. I know it’s probably going to cost me my shot at the presidency or even a senate seat, but I’m just going to have live with that. I can’t sit back and watch this circus anymore. I have to do something, and this is the only thing I can see being even slightly effective.

Mr. President, please call a joint press conference with the Speaker to denounce me. Explain how what I did was so diabolical and evil that it forced you two and your parties to work together to undo the harm I caused. Senate Democrats and Republicans - join hands on the steps of the Senate Building and sing patriotic songs while celebrating the way you have removed me from the scene. Explain to everyone what a wonderful thing it is that the last obstacle to common sense governing has been eliminated.

I am so ashamed. It was a very bad thing I did. You were right to rip me, to highlight my misdeeds. I don’t know how I ever imagined I was going to get away with such a stupid plan. Thank goodness you found me out and can now undo all I despicably did for my own political gain.

Yes, the Sequester was all my idea. It was 100 percent my fault. I was only stopped through the incredible and devoted efforts of this unique group of leaders we have today in Washington. We are so fortunate they are in place protecting our interests.

And by the way – it was my idea to hire Bobby Valentine last year too.

Bill Gouveia is a local columnist and can be emailed at and followed on Twitter at @Billinsidelook.

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