AN INSIDE LOOK - Commentary and opinions on local politics and life in general in Southeastern Massachusetts! Featuring the writings of Bill Gouveia, newspaper columnist for the Sun Chronicle and local cable TV talk show host. Feel free to read, comment and enjoy!
Friday, February 28, 2014
I Found Religion - In Arizona
This column originally appeared in The Sun Chronicle on Friday, February 28, 2014
AN INSIDE LOOK
By Bill Gouveia
have found religion.I am moving to
Arizona and living my life by my own deep convictions so I can be free, in the
truest and most holy sense of the word.
is obviously the holy land.It is the
state that gave us Barbara Eden, Barry Goldwater, Geronimo and Sheriff Joe
Arpaio.It is home to great thinkers in
the state legislature, evidenced by the bill they passed recently to defend the
rights of those of us with true faith.
adopted the religion of Loopholeism, part of a widely growing religious
organization.We are dedicated to taking
advantage of all the loopholes the Good Lord intended us to use in order to
make our society what it should be, and what we demand it become.We are all about freedom, even if we have to
take away the rights of everyone else in order to get it.
Loopholeist philosophy is rooted in that most common religious belief that our
way is the right way.We just need to
get everyone else to see it that clearly.We hold fast to our conviction that every single person in this world
has the right to do things our way, and no doubt would if we just forced them.
Arizona, lawmakers passed a bill (since vetoed by the Governor, a small delay)
that would allow any company to refuse to do business with gays or lesbians if
– and this is the key here – if doing so truly violated their religious beliefs.Now according to Loopholeist theology, being
gay is a sin.Serving gays is a sin
also, because by merely acknowledging their existence we give credence and
value to that sin.As a result, our
right to feel good about ourselves at the expense of others is outrageously
Loopholeists, we fully support the right of gay people to be sinners.It is their choice, and we will defend to the
death their right to be wrong.But we
cannot sit back and allow ourselves to be seen as serving or consorting with
sinners.After all, how can you feel
good about yourself unless you have someone to look down at?Equality is a wonderful thing, but only those
who believe with us can truly be equal.
Loopholeist beliefs are summed up in our holy book, known as the Loo.Whenever we need to contemplate life, we go
straight to the Loo.The Loo is full of
what we thrive on, and we pride ourselves on spreading as much of it as
possible as far as we can.And Arizona
seems like just the perfect place for spreading.
do not align ourselves with any other religion, because to do that would be
admitting there might be a way of doing things different from our own.We think all religions should have the right
to not serve gays and lesbians or anyone else they might object to, and would
stand with them if they chose that path. We are all brothers and sisters when it comes
to separating ourselves from those less worthy.
when we are done making sure we are free from dealing with gays, we can move
forward towards other worthy goals.Of
course, that may mean culling out some of our “brothers and sisters” who have
views that violate our sincerely held beliefs.But at least the homosexual sinners won’t be totally lonely.
a Loopholeist also means being free of politics.We are neither Democrats nor Republicans, not
Liberals nor Conservatives.In fact we
don’t want to deal with those people either, unless they become
Loopholeists.After all, we are a
much grows in the deserts of Arizona, but the seeds we seek to plant will
firmly take root.We will demonstrate
the right way to live by highlighting all the wrong ways.We will find fault with all others, until the
only acceptable alternative is us.
all of you should feel free to believe in your own religion or philosophy.You see, we Loopholeists aren’t in control of
anything yet.But if we can take Arizona
today, who knows where we will end up tomorrow.Veto be damned.
Bill Gouveia is a local columnist who
hopes everyone understands satire. He can be emailed at firstname.lastname@example.org and followed on Twitter at