Monday, September 14, 2015
On Behalf Of Patriots Nation, This Fan Confesses
He admits to everything the team's been accused of - and a lot more
Posted: Sunday, September 13, 2015 10:46 pm | Updated: 11:04 pm, Sun Sep 13, 2015.
As a longtime Patriot fan and 44-year season ticket holder, I am pleased to announce Patriot Nation has collectively agreed to confess.
We can't keep denying it any longer. The pressure has become too much for us. The preponderance of circumstantial, undocumented, unreliable and unattributed "evidence" presented by those we keep destroying on the field and in the courtroom has simply overcome us. It is time for all of us to finally admit it.
Yes - we cheat. We cheat constantly. There is simply nothing we won't do to gain a competitive advantage over you. You've got us. All the things ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and Paranoid Monthly Magazine said in their recent articles are true. We do it all.
We have all your playbooks. We have videotapes of every strategy session you've ever had. Your homes are bugged. The Patriots secretly own the company that picks up your trash. There is nothing you can do to hide from us.
Bill Belichick knows every play the other team is going to run before they even call it. Your footballs contain microscopically small pumps that inflate the balls when you are on offense. The maids in your hotels rooms when you come here go through your bags for information while you are practicing.
Yes Pittsburgh, we messed with your headsets. We hope you appreciated the irony of having to listen to our play-by-play broadcast instead of hearing your coaches. We were going to make you listen to Donald Trump speeches or "Having My Baby" by Paul Anka, but hey - even we have limits.
It's true, we warm up the energy drinks in your locker room on purpose. And those healthy snacks we supply are actually almost 2 pounds per square inch under the legal sugar limit. Not only that, but we put a diuretic in those chocolate chip cookies that said "Courtesy of the NFL."
Hope you enjoyed them.
In case you haven't noticed, the grass on our side of Gillette Stadium is actually 1/32nd of an inch higher than on your side, thus enabling us a softer practice surface. The water bubbler in your locker room is actually one inch lower than in our area, forcing you to pull back muscles bending over.
The buses that bring you to the stadium are hooked up to closed-circuit television. The drivers are all Kraft family cousins. We have the DNA of every player on your team, and review your medical records to determine any weakness we might exploit.
Judge Berman got us all of your legal records so we can use them for blackmail purposes. Your therapists are all on our payroll. We have 4-year-old spies planted in your kids' preschool. Every time you change the TV channel at home with your remote control, we know about it.
Ted Wells actually works as a ball boy for the Patriots during our super-secret practice sessions no one knows about. And it is time you all knew that the rumors are true: Tom Brady is actually a cyborg who was constructed in a laboratory by Belichick while he was still employed by the New York Jets.
What's that, you say? You can't believe the lengths we have gone to in order to be the best, most competitive, most winning franchise in any league over the last 16 years? Well, they have to be true - right?
I mean, it couldn't have been because we are the best-run organization in professional sports. It can't be that we had players who were tremendously skilled and worked selflessly together toward a common goal.
It can't be possible that we have had the best owner in football, not to mention the greatest quarterback who has ever played the game.
And, of course, our record of excellence can't possibly be due to having the best coach in the history of football. He's a pain to deal with and mean to the media. He designs sneaky plays to fool the other teams. He's just not nice.
And it certainly can't be that we are in your heads, that we psychologically destroy you before the games are even played.
No, that makes no sense.
We must be cheaters. Let's just go with that.
Bill Gouveia is a local columnist and longtime Patriots fan. He can be emailed at firstname.lastname@example.org and followed on Twitter at @Billinsidelook.