Friday, September 9, 2016

Turkey Time In Foxboro Comes Early

Posted: Friday, September 9, 2016 12:15 am
If you talked turkeys in Foxboro during the late ’80s and early ’90s, it was assumed you were discussing the local NFL franchise.

But in recent weeks, it has been actual turkeys — the kind that allegedly greeted the Pilgrims — who have come to dominate the news in this quiet, suburban town. And while many local folks are calling fowl, the feathered fiends are launching attacks on the populace in some strange type of “Thanksgiving Revenge” campaign.
It is not unusual for turkeys to flock to Foxboro, something political observers have claimed for years now. Shedding their anonymity, they are emerging and strutting their stuff around town. There have been numerous reports of aggressive birds literally launching unprovoked attacks on townspeople. It is unclear if the victims were registered voters or associated with any local politicians.

There are totally unsubstantiated rumors that the Kraft Group has some connection to the troublesome newcomers. The story goes that Bob Kraft invested heavily in turkeys when he was attempting to locate a casino in town, figuring this would save money for the resort hotel restaurants. When selectmen refused to listen to his plans, he deliberately turned them loose. Now his plot has come home to roost.

To get to the bottom of this situation, yours truly went undercover and infiltrated the bird gang. Those who read this space regularly should have no trouble believing I could blend in with a bunch of turkeys. What I discovered was both shocking and remarkable.

The turkeys do indeed have political aspirations. In fact, they plan on putting up a candidate or two for selectmen in the next Foxboro election.

Several turkeys believe they have the right stuff to win a seat on the town’s highest board. They think after years of being on the table, they deserve a seat at the table. And they are more than a little fried that it has taken so long for them to be recognized as a real threat. Now they want their just desserts.
I discovered the birds are quite smart, and manage to stay abreast of local politics. They believe their knowledge and ability to get close to voters gives them an important leg up on their competition. And frankly, they are starting to get under the skin of even the most seasoned politicians.

Their immediate goal is to put at least one of their own on the board of selectmen, and if they can also gain a seat on another elected board — well, that would just be gravy.

Some of the current town officials are tired of being roasted by the politically aggressive birds. They are totally fed up, and believe the intruders need to be dressed down a bit.

Some selectmen have proposed using a curfew, seeing how well it has worked at Gillette Stadium. There would be a timer involved, and when the turkeys’ time is up, an alarm will sound. If the turkeys go over their allotted time, they would be lambasted with a series of fines.

Selectmen can’t seem to agree on just how long to leave the turkeys in town. They don’t want to take them out too soon, but are afraid of getting burned if they leave them in too long. It’s a difficult decision, as they currently have a lot on their plates.

As the plight of Foxboro residents has been broadcast across the nation, national political figures have taken note. Hillary Clinton has offered to provide a free private server for the birds. The Trump campaign issued a statement saying the turkeys are “in no way associated with any particular wing of our party.”

No one is exactly sure where these pests come from. There is some concern over whether they are native turkeys, or perhaps refugees. If found to have come here illegally, they will be returned to wherever they came from. Assuming, of course, that relations between Foxboro and wherever that is have properly thawed.

Word has it some of them might be from arch-rival Mansfield, bringing new meaning to the annual Thanksgiving football contest. This year, the Turkey Day battle is a whole new ballgame.
The situation is getting pre-heated. Let’s hope everyone keeps their heads.

That’s sage advice.

Bill Gouveia is a local columnist and longtime local official. He can be emailed at and followed on Twitter at @Billinsidelook.

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